New Things

So I don't know if you've noticed, but things have been operating a little differently around here. I have (re)discovered that I am irredeemably terrible at blogging-as-journaling. Either I'm not creative enough, or my life is too boring, or I'm just too much of a lazy slouch to detail my thoughts regularly enough to maintain a successful blog.

However, the whole point of this was to get myself to do something regularly, something I could at least pretend that other people would view in an effort to hold myself accountable, and if there is one thing that I will always untilthedayIdie do regularly, it is read. Therefore, I have decided to combine my efforts to make some visible record of my integration into life with my (relatively recent) urge to keep track of my voracious reading--if for no other reason than to have something to brag about. From now until I get sick of it, I will hereby chronicle every single book that I read. It won't necessarily be much (as you would see if you read some of my earliest attempts. Nothing but disjointed thoughts; complete gibberish to anyone who was not already residing within my cranium), but there will be pictures! Pictures are fun.


On a more personal note, I finally decided to nut up and finally write and deliver a message to Abee. It was the first time I initiated any form of contact since my douchetacular "parting of ways" all the way back in December. And let me tell you, it was somethin' else. I attempted to make a record of every single lie I had committed since Germany, and illustrate the manner in which those lies destroyed my capacity for love. It is now three days hence, and there has been not a peep from her quarter. I'm beginning to believe we will never have meaningful contact again--and frankly, I am relieved. This was possibility #2 on my continuum of horribleness, with things being more horrible as the numbers increase. Only instant and unequivocal forgiveness would be less horrible, and there are many, many possible options that would be far, far worse.

everything I just said feels like a rationalization. It feels like every single time I told Abee "I want to marry you, I'm just not ready now"